'Woman, behold thy son! Son, behold thy mother!' by Todd Hill [Retrieve Lament 2021]
I didn’t intend to stack this year’s series with family members, but I can’t help feeling we’re all better for it. Today’s guest was my first best friend since the days we shared a bedroom as little kids and I hung over the top bunk haranguing him to “ask Jesus in his heart”. What we didn’t know then, but I know now is that the love God was forming in my brother Todd’s heart would become a rock-solid refuge for not only me, his ornery big sister, but for our entire family and countless others. Todd and my sister-in-law Young-Mee have been swimming in the deep end of grief this year and today’s story invites us into a tender experience with their friend Jacob. I didn’t know Jacob very well, and yet he’s helped me know Jesus better this week through the story Todd shares today.
Would you read Todd’s lament story with me, and ask God for an open heart to hear any words Christ might be speaking to you?
Jacob and Rachel Lee and their 3 children, July 2020
“So the soldiers did these things, but standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.”
“Women, behold your son … And John, behold your mother”
by Todd Hill
This has been a year filled with lament for all of us. In my experience, in addition to a pandemic, the death of a dear pastor friend of mine, and the loss of my father-in-law and both of my grandparents, one of my closest friends Jacob died this year from cancer. Jacob was 36 years old and had three children, 5 years old and younger.
Jacob and I worked in the youth ministry at our church together. I was the youth director, and one of my first acts in my new role in 2013 was to hire him as my Jr. High youth coordinator.
Todd and other church leaders praying over Jacob, 2017
Jacob and I were complete opposites. Though we grew up in the same state, I often reminded him that his experience growing up in New York City paled in comparison with life in the beautiful rolling hills of upstate New York. I grew up a straight-laced preacher’s kid, and Jacob grew up making trouble in the city streets. After I graduated from college, I headed off to the mission field. Jacob could not even finish college, so he made his way to Las Vegas to try to make his fortunes as a professional gambler. I was a small-town white guy who grew up oblivious to a diverse world around me, and Jacob was a Korean guy, growing up as the son of immigrants. I came to faith as a scrawny 6-year-old, while Jacob’s conversion story was a dramatic one, celebrating God’s pursuit of him over multiple decades. But somehow, in spite of all of our differences, we connected deeply and worked really well together.
We would meet for supervision meetings that covered lots of territory, some of it even being related to the work we were doing. But somehow, even though I was his supervisor and more than 10 years older than him, it seemed that many of our conversations ended with Jacob counseling and encouraging me in my work and life challenges. Appropriately, it did not take long before Jacob was promoted to become an Associate Pastor, outranking me. Our relationship continued, our families growing close with one another. We spent time at each other's homes, celebrated holidays together, watched the Eagles win the super bowl together, and celebrated the birth of all three of his children together.
I remember that it was a Friday morning that Jacob’s wife Rachel called me. Jacob had been having health issues for quite some time and had missed quite a bit of work. Rachel called because he was having intense abdominal pain, and thought he should go to the emergency room to get checked out. With three little ones, Rachel was asking me to take him to the ER so that she could be at home with the kids. We spent the day at the hospital getting lots of tests, Jacob’s pain subsiding with some pain meds. Throughout the day, a variety of doctors checked in, asking questions and observing test results. I was hopeful that one of the tests would determine the appropriate path towards a full recovery. Late that afternoon we made the plan for me to go to the house and watch the kids so that Rachel could go to be with Jacob. It was as Rachel was leaving the house that she said to me through tears, “I have been looking online as Jacob has reported his test results, and I am really afraid it is cancer.” I didn’t know what to say. It was only a short time later, as I was playing cars with the boys that my wife called, “Todd, it is cancer.”
Drive-by birthday celebration for Jacob, May 2020
The next weeks were a flurry. Jacob and Rachel were reeling but trying to get their bearings. My wife and I and so many others jumped in to help wherever we could. It was in these couple of weeks immediately after the diagnosis that I have some of my most meaningful memories with Jacob. I would head over to the hospital first thing in the morning, grabbing some Wawa breakfast food to bring to Jacob. We would sit in his hospital room together and eat while I filled him in on what was happening at church. We would process life and talk about his diagnosis. I remember one morning after Jacob and Rachel had understood more fully the gravity of his stage 4 diagnosis, Jacob said to me, “Todd, I need you to promise me that you will take care of my wife and children.” I was not ready to resign myself to the idea that Jacob would not survive his cancer
In John 19 we are brought into the crucifixion story where we see Jesus beaten and mocked, his ravished body dangling on a cross. I cannot imagine what Jesus must have been going through in those moments. Intense physical pain. Emotional anguish. Fear of what was to come. An overwhelming awareness of the wrath of God to be poured out on him. The utter rejection of his Father. However, at this moment we discover what was on Jesus’ mind. At the foot of the cross stood his mother, bent over in grief and agony as she watched her son being killed, yet strong in her resolve to stay next to him even if it was right in the middle of an angry mob of soldiers. And in the middle of Jesus’ life being literally taken from him, he was concerned first for his mother. He looked down at the “disciple that he loved” (maybe John) and said, “you have to promise me that you will take care of my mother.” I can’t imagine what the disciple felt in that moment, looking on at the broken body of his friend he loved so much. This must have felt like a weighty request. One that he may have been hesitant to accept.
It was almost a year after Jacob’s sobering request that I saw him for the last time. Rachel and I lifted his frail body into a hospital bed that had been set up in his bedroom. Jacob was unable to do it himself. I stopped and rested my hand on his head, covered with stubble that had begun to grow. Rachel went about the business of organizing the space for Jacob while calmly giving the kids instructions about how they should play in the room where daddy was resting. Of course, Jacob, it will be my great honor to help take care of your wife and children.
Often when I am worshipping at church now, I think of Jacob worshipping at Jesus’ throne. I know he loves doing that and it helps me love doing it even more. I am grateful for a Savior who knows suffering. I am grateful for a Father who knows loss. These things have been a great comfort to me in the months since Jacob’s death. But this Easter season I want to thank you, Jacob. When I read Jesus’ exhortation: “Women, behold your son … And John, behold your mother” I will have a new sense of the way that Jesus’ faithful love and care for John led him to be honored to care for his mother.
Thanks for loving me a little bit like Jesus, Jacob. I will gladly love your family as our own.
Todd is from Dresher, Pennsylvania where he works as the Director of Congregational Care at New Life Presbyterian Church in Dresher. He is married to Young-Mee and has two teenage children, Ethan and Karis. He enjoys going on runs, spending time on his boat and eating good food with friends and family!
Pray & Read
The Third Word: Woman, behold your son. (Mulier, ecce filius tuus. Ecce Mater tua.)
Now there was a man in Jerusalem whose name was Simeon, and this man was righteous and devout, looking for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him…. Inspired by the Spirit he came into the temple…when the parents brought in the child Jesus….and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is spoken against (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also….) [Luke 2: 25,27a,34-35a]
At the cross her station keeping,
Stood the mournful Mother weeping,
Where he hung, the dying Lord.
For her soul of joy bereaved,
Bowed with anguish, deeply grieved,
Felt the sharp and piercing sword.
While Jesus was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the one who told him, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother.” [Matthew 12:46-50]
Who on Christ’s dear Mother gazing,
Pierced by anguish so amazing,
Born of woman, would not weep?
Who on Christ’s dear Mother thinking,
Such a cup of sorrow drinking,
Would not share her sorrows deep?
--Stabat Mater (Latin, 13th century)
Standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing near, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” [John 19:25b-27a]
Jesus, the presence of your mother and your friends at the cross moves our hearts. We recognize that you are not only the Savior dying for the sins of the world. You are also a fully human man, a son with a mother and a man with a friend.Thank you for the good work that you were accomplishing through your entire life and even in the hours of your death, putting us together as a family, your church. May we live right now into your good work on the cross, loving and caring for one another as family, like you and your mother and your friend, and like Todd and Jacob. Amen.