7 Things I Learned This Autumn
Welcome to winter! I share a list of things I learned once a quarter. As we welcome the new season I’m also reflecting on what I learned during the last.
If you're new to me or my public blog space, welcome!
I’m joining Emily Freeman, a writer and podcaster I admire, in her invitation to reflect on the past quarter with a What We Learned reflection. As Emily says, I’m sharing “in-process considerations, not necessarily fully worked out narratives.” Here are 14 things I’m learning in varying degrees of gravitas and in no particular order.
1. BECOMING A GRANDPARENT IS MAGICAL
Every grandparent I know told me to expect this to feel magical. In my typical contrarian fashion I was a bit skeptical, which also felt a bit like anxiety.
Our grandson Julian Amari Jackson arrived on Wednesday, November 24 - which happened to be our 31st wedding anniversary and, appropriately, the day before Thanksgiving.
I carried two specific prayers leading up to Julian’s arrival. One is a phrase from my favorite Compline prayer, that God would “shield the joyous”. There are a lot of hard things in the world and a few of them have threatened to rob our family’s joy in some concrete, real-life ways. I asked God to give us simple, protected joy in the days surrounding our grandson’s birth.
The second prayer was that I would receive this new season of life as a gift not an identity to earn or prove or replicate like a burden. In prayer with my spiritual director I sensed God’s invitation to just let this new season, this new relationship with a miraculous new human who will call me some version of Grandma, be a discovery. I get to discover this person over time and, along the way, I presume, discover myself as a grandmother.
My skepticism, as usual, was just a cover-up for fear. And perfect love casts out fear. Holding my grandson feels magical, absolutely. Maybe another word for it is love. A love that feels as close to perfect as I’ve ever felt one week into knowing someone.
Thanks be to God from the bottom of my heart for this simple and profound joy.
2. CELEBRATION TRADITIONS MATTER EVEN DURING PANDEMICS
I’m sure you’ve already heard the news, but just in case….
This autumn I became a GRANDMOTHER!
In October, with the help of family and church community, we threw a celebration showering Kendra with gifts.
Photos include just a few of the family and friends who held space for simple joy and celebration. (Thank you x1000 for the use of your beautiful house and front porch @amybawi !)
There are also a couple of pics of the delightful gifts, including the phenomenal hand-felted Star Wars garland from @jenthomp82 and one where I wrapped up the clothes she wore home from the hospital when she was born and, yes, I cried a few tears. Joy!
3. GATHERING AROUND TABLES FEELS LIKE AN OLD THING MADE NEW
October has been a refreshing, restorative month for us! Where the Lord has taken away, he also gives in bounty and fruitfulness.
My favorite moments this month involved gathering around tables for celebration, conversation, good food and drink. We attended an elopement ceremony, a welcome dinner, a baby shower, and Bible studies on front porches and in living rooms of friends. We swapped stories - hard and good - with old friends, new friends, and neighbors on back patios, neighborhood eateries, and around tables at our neighbor’s memorial service.
In a fruitful counterpoint, I’ve been reenergized in my work logging in many early-morning hours preparing the free 31-Day guide for cultivating Rhythms of Grace & a Rule of Life (there’s still time to join us, by the way!). This year, that work is spilling right into my favorite, favorite work of all time - preparing Advent Daybook Meditations. (Available soon!) Along the way, I took a writing course, completed the Rhythms of Grace retreat series, and joined a leader’s training cohort for a groundbreaking tool to help us hold better conversations in the world. And right in the middle of all that, God opened a door for me to serve alongside a team of strong, passionate leaders in our denomination. I didn’t plan for all of this to happen in one month but here I am, gathering up good work opportunities like the pile of leaves growing in our front yard. I’m overwhelmed by the goodness of God.
4. I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M WRITING FOR BUT I KNOW THAT I’M A WRITER.
You may have noticed that I introduce myself as Tamara Hill Murphy, Spiritual Director & Writer. I talk quite a bit here about being a Spiritual Director and less often about being a writer. Both roles are a bit nebulous. Trickier to recognize than if I introduced myself as, say, Tamara Murphy, Gourmet Chef or professional wrestler. (There are actual women in the world named Tamara Murphy who bear those illustrious career titles. I googled them.) Both of my job titles, especially Writer, depend on my perseverance to keep making something of what forms in my heart and mind into something tangible I can offer the world. Perhaps like Tamara Murphy, the celebrated chef, my work is best recognized when it nourishes others. And maybe like Tamara Murphy, the pro wrestler, my work demands fierce attention and grit to take shape into something of beauty, truth, and goodness.
One time a friend asked what title he should use for a job reference. I said I didn’t really have one.
“Tamara the Great? The Venerable Tamara? The Divine Mrs. Murphy?” he offered.
I was a bit tempted by that last suggestion but at the end of the conversation, we decided to just put me down as Tamara Hill Murphy, Spiritual Director and Writer. Honor abounds.
The last couple of years I’ve devoted the majority of my work energy to building a Spiritual Direction practice. I’ve never been more certain of my calling in God’s kingdom economy than when I sit with someone else in the quiet to bear witness to God’s movement in their lives. The past few months I’ve begun adding some writing disciplines back into my work life - attending training, learning from those ahead of me, risking a few pitches to publishers. It’s slow work and depends so much on an imagination not burdened by fear and shame. I’m forever grateful to those who’ve come alongside me along the way, offering support and opportunities to share words with the world.
On Monday I reconnected with Maureen Swinger, an editor turned friend, who consistently encourages and advocates for me. Thankfully on this visit, I remembered to take a photo. Maureen, thank you for calling me a writer and a friend. Honor abounds.
5. WE NEED TO CELEBRATE GOOD PASTORS WHO LIVE WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND EXPECT US TO DO THE SAME.
In the wake of relational disappointment that comes to every pastor’s family, I’ve been processing what it means to pray for and love the pastors in my life right now. The whole damn world’s lost its mind about what it means to go to church, leave a church, be a church, ignore the church, blame the church, or reject the church. As far as I can tell, they’re doing this for (mostly) pretty good reasons. The most devastating stories involve pastoral neglect or abuse.
I keep trying to put into words what I’ve learned the hard way about who I trust to lead me as a pastor. Here’s my best attempt so far: Find a small-ish church pastored by good people who preach their hearts out every week no matter how many people are in the room (occasionally the sermons are even really good).
Keep in mind these good people probably spent the week offering care to everyone around them & probably prayed with someone living their worst nightmare. In their spare time, they mowed the lawn & the neighbor’s too without telling anyone else.
Do your homework. Make sure the pastors only preach about things like money, human dignity, & justice as much as Jesus did and, like Jesus, know how to tell actual evil to go to hell. Make sure they treat their families & neighbors even better when no ones looking & for the love of Christ, make sure they know how to take a day or two off every week & laugh at good jokes.
Pay attention to their friendships. Trust a pastor who knows how to tend to a few really close friends even more than they tend to you or any of your ideals for your church & then expects you to do the same.
Choose to be content with the wonky building, show up every week to offer your help wherever it’s needed, pass the peace & put your hard-earned 10% in the offering basket. Every once in a while throw in a thank you note, too.
Give your truest allegiance to the God who gathers us & to Jesus who is always interceding for the Church. Then join Jesus in prayer for those pastors. Trust the Holy Spirit who advocates for all of us.
I worship only the Good Shepherd & I’ll follow these pastors every single day & twice on Sunday. Thank you, Brian, Jan, Etienne & Walter.
There are plenty of reasons to hold pastors accountable to a higher standard and plenty of reasons to call to accountability those who have blatantly and pathologically misused spiritual authority. But please don’t confuse that tragic reality with the fact that many, many - if not most - pastors are earnest, compassionate, hard-working servants trying to care for folks the best they can in the middle of global upheaval.
You probably know I’m married to a pastor and am the daughter of a pastor but you might not know that Brian and I are related to 6 pastors in our immediate family alone. Many of our closest, most trusted friends are pastors. Obviously, they are foremost on my mind when I read a troubling headline like this, but I also think it’s worth encouraging all of us and especially those of us who’ve experienced significant disappointments in our church contexts to prayerfully consider the scope of expectation we’re placing on our pastors right now. It’s human to project our pent-up frustrations with all that’s wrong in the world and the church on someone like a pastor, and a healthy pastor will make space for a certain amount of that kind of dynamic within their congregation. I also think it’s a good time to pray for, encourage, and even celebrate pastors who set healthy boundaries. If 38% are considering leaving the ministry, the pastors who commit themselves to healthy boundaries and invite their congregations to do the same will actually be protecting all of us.
KANI CRAB SALAD, MUSHROOM DASHI & other things I can’t remember
6. JAPANESE PUBS ARE A NEW FAVORITE THING
Friends gave us a gift certificate for Kawa Ni in Westport and the flavor and variety of food (and drink!) blew us away. It’s the kind of eating experience you don’t forget and we hope to go back soon (and often!)
7. I’M MORE GRATEFUL THAN EVER TO BE MARRIED TO BRIAN MURPHY
We spent the day of our 31st wedding anniversary walking our daughter’s dog around the LI Sound while our daughter was in the hospital giving birth to our first grandchild. Julian Amari was born on our anniversary and is one of the best gifts we’ve ever received. Priceless.