14 Things I Learned This Summer
The sunflower fields we stumbled on while driving through the Finger Lakes region of New York State, September 2021
Welcome to autumn! I share a list of things I learned once a quarter. As we welcome fall I’m also reflecting on what I learned this summer.
If you're new to me or my public blog space, welcome!
I’m joining Emily Freeman, a writer and podcaster I admire, in her invitation to reflect on the past quarter with a What We Learned reflection. As Emily says, I’m sharing “in-process considerations, not necessarily fully worked out narratives.” Here are 14 things I’m learning in varying degrees of gravitas and in no particular order.
1. MAKE SERENDIPITY HAPPEN ON PURPOSE
ser·en·dip·i·ty
/ˌserənˈdipədē/
the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
Beauty in our favorite region of New York state doesn’t actually surprise us anymore, but these sunflower fields on our exact route stunned us. I’ve lived long enough in the goodness of God’s economy that the “chance development of events in a beneficial way” doesn’t exactly surprise me either. But God’s economy has felt pretty wobbly to me for the past few years and on this particular day a couple of weeks ago we were weary with the relentless development of sorrowful events. We needed beauty to snap us out of our funk.
The first time we drove by the field counts as serendipity, but the second and third times? Those times were totally planned. We drove by at different times of the day and each time the light was a little bit different. The sunflowers never seemed surprised to see us, focusing all of their energy toward the light. Every single one of them pointed in the same direction.
2. EM & FRIENDS IS STILL MY FAVORITE SOURCE FOR GREETING CARDS
After reading Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens For A Reason (and other lies I’ve loved) a couple of years ago, I ordered some postcards from Em & Friends (this booklet and this one) and just keep restocking when I run out. This year I purchased the Fill in the Love Books for my mom on Mother’s Day and my dad for Father’s Day. My parents absolutely loved them. I had so much fun filling them out.
p.s., Have YOU seen the greeting card by Emily McDowell inspired by Kate Bowler’s story? You must!
3. FULL-CIRCLE FRIENDSHIPS FEEL GOOD & ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
Thirty years ago I stood next to her as a very pregnant matron of honor - delighted that my best friend was marrying my cousin (who also happened to be one of my best friends). Two couples - high school sweethearts - who’ve managed to hang in there against the odds. It feels like we’ve barely seen each other since their wedding. One month later our first son was born and then we had 3 more kids. They had four kids. They moved away from our hometown and then we moved away from our hometown. We worked together some, saw each other some, and -more than once- reached out to each other in moments of crisis. But mostly had to let go of each other’s hands because we were hanging onto our lives of work and family and faith by our fingernails.
In August, they happened to be driving through our state after celebrating their 30th anniversary in New England. A backyard lunch and it’s like we were on one of those high school double dates we used to take in whoever’s car was working and with whatever money we could scrape together from our after-school jobs. Only now instead of talking about all our post-school dreams we’re talking about our kids’ post-school dreams and I’m showing off ultrasound pictures of the grand baby we’re expecting in a few months and we’re comparing notes on things like colonoscopies. Full circles feel good - even ones connected around long-distance and countless heartaches and exhausted years of parenting and making our way through 30 years that look something like what we used to dream about together but also completely different than what we could’ve imagined.
Lori, I’m so glad you married my cousin so we could be officially family (even though I looked like a beach ball in my bridesmaid dress), and I’m so grateful that all those times we wrote BFF in our notes to each other, we truly meant it. ♥️
4. REST & PLAY ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR (NOW MORE THAN EVER)
The last days of June found me packing up for a few weeks of vacation. I was so excited I could barely think straight. It’s no small thing to anticipate goodness and, I’ve found, something I have to fight for. That’s never been more true than this year.
I tried and somewhat succeeded to not take myself or my hopes for vacation so seriously that anxiety sucked the joy out of the anticipation. I wanted to take this hope just seriously enough to fight for the goodness of it like a steely-eyed prayer ninja. A tricky balance, to be sure. Reentering the spaces of community fun and festivity is a prophetic act against the forces that would keep us isolated and distanced. It’s an awkward dance, but worth the risk and worthy of our gentleness toward ourselves and everyone else figuring out this new normal.
Oh, blessed scientific endeavors that allow us to risk giving hugs again!
Cousin group hug
(Almost) all of the cousins in one place!
5. QUALITY TIME WITH MY KIDS IS THE BEST GIFT AND WORTH FIGHTING (EVEN EACH OTHER) FOR.
For my fiftieth birthday this spring, I asked my kids to join us for Hill Family Vacation and then a few days back home in Connecticut. They showed up in all their glorious and hilarious beauty. The days went quickly but we filled them with sun, water, nostalgic road and boating trips, good food, games, laughter, and - as every real family understands - a few tears. What a gift.
We borrowed a big screen TV so we could all cram into one spot to watch the NBA finals.
Sunset on the Bridgeport-LI Ferry
ATX friend reunion on Candlewood Lake, CT
6. WE ARE BOATS-ON-THE-WATER PEOPLE BUT NOT SO MUCH BOATS-ON-THE-TRAILER-BEHIND-THE-CAR PEOPLE.
If you know Brian at all, you know his favorite place to be is on a lake in his own boat. During the lockdown last year, he and my brother decided to just take the plunge and buy a used boat together. It’s given them the predictable amount of stress to keep running but it was worth it for a month full of enjoying lakes across upstate New York and Connecticut. Having a boat was just the prompt we needed to return to our favorite of New York’s famous Finger Lakes for a couple of days boating Cayuga and hiking in Taughannock Falls State Park. What a gift!
In the end we were a bit tired from all the coming and going, tugging a boat behind us, searching for the best place to rest. Almost every argument Brian and I had this summer started while we were trying to strategize how to get the boat to the next body of water. Next year, God willing, we’re going to pull that boat once, drop it in a slip in our favorite state park, and stay for two whole weeks in one place. Some things (being on a boat in a body of water) are worth fighting for and other things (dragging the boat around all of New England, trying to find just the right places we can pull through for gas and food and potty breaks, launching it all sorts of lakes, and hoping we’ve arrived at just the right time for the weather and the park crowds to accommodate us) are not. I think we’ve found a good solution. Check back with me next summer and I’ll let you know!
7. I CAN STILL PLAY THE PIANO!
When I realized our airbnb in Ithaca included a tuned upright, I packed an old hymn book borrowed from a friend. I spent some of my favorite hours this summer plunking out notes to those oldie-goldie tunes, remembering my bass and treble clefs and my parents’ and grandparents’ voices harmonizing the stanzas. Sigh….
8. WE’RE JAPANESE PUB PEOPLE NOW.
We saved a generous Christmas gift card from dear friends for just the right night to get out to a new restaurant and be able to enjoy the experience. This Japanese pub was perfect. We started with sake (obviously) and then ooohed and aaahed over every single bite of each course. We found a new favorite date night spot!
KANI CRAB SALAD, MUSHROOM DASHI & other things I can’t remember
9. HOW TO PROPERLY COOK & EAT A LOBSTER
Friends invited us to stay with them a couple of nights in their family cabin in Maine, and Brian was able to cross a major item off his bucket list: learning how to cook his own lobster. There’s really nothing better than buying fresh lobster at the dock and then gathering around the table with friends. Just add lemon, melted butter, and cold beer!
10. SIMPLIFYING MY MOM’S RETIREMENT CELEBRATION SHOWED US A NEW, WONDERFUL WAY OF BEING TOGETHER.
I don’t remember the last time (if ever?) we’ve hung out with my parents without our spouses and children. There’s a 14-year age span between me and my youngest sister so my children came along while my siblings were kids (I was basically still a kid myself, but that’s another story.) Anyway, this little celebration meant a pretty sweet slumber party in my parents’ basement. I loved every minute.
Thankfully, five of us were able to get home for less than twenty-fours hours to celebrate my Mom’s retirement. She’s served as a teacher in all kinds of contexts for about fifty years. For the last dozen years of her career she’s been pouring her heart and soul into her ESL students who’d arrived in Binghamton from all over the globe with so much skill and vibrancy but hardly any English. She taught them to read and love language much the same way she taught us- with creativity, passion, and love.
Over dinner she told us about the two women from Columbia in one of her classes (a woman and her 80-year-old mother) who took her out for farewell Margaritas (my mother’s first) and now my mom has a new favorite beverage.
A few other students - an older couple from Korea and a woman from Turkey (who speaks about eight other languages) - celebrated at my parents’ house. Mom ordered pizza and the Muslim woman graciously removed the pepperoni and then insisted on hand-washing all of the dinner dishes. My parents modeled the hanbok they wore when my brother married my sister-in-law a couple decades ago. The Korean couple said they’d like to be my parents’ neighbors.
Just two stories and she had so many more.
The year before she began this job an angry former student barricaded the building and killed 14 people - including teachers. Still my mom took the job because she loves language and teaching and had grown to love the image of God represented in all peoples. She learned how to teach English in every creative way possible to a classroom that spoke dozens of different languages except for English. The last couple of years she taught through masks and face shields and severe back pain. And her students loved her (and my Dad who helped fill in some of the gaps this year by showing up to play ping-pong).
Teacher Nancy, you’ve used what God has blessed you with to bless countless others. We are blessed.
Also pictured: a visit to my mom’s classroom in 2011 + sibling slumber party shenanigans.
11. ALWAYS TAKE FOOD - WHATEVER YOU CAN COBBLE TOGETHER - TO YOUR GRIEVING NEIGHBORS
We were literally leaving town for a conference when we got the text that our sweet neighbor had lost his life to cancer. We had 45 minutes, some strawberries, biscuit mix, and whipped cream. With me slicing berries and Brian doing the baking we had just enough time to take our little Tupperware containers of hot biscuits and cold berries into our neighbor’s living room. I was worried that the food was too festive to take the morning after losing a loved one, but when my neighbor returned the dishes a few weeks later she said it was just the right kind of comfort food, then she stayed for a cup of hot tea with me. The strawberry shortcake invited my neighbor to come into our home - a Saturday morning on the living room couch with hot tea, a Sunday evening on the back patio with vodka-tonics, and lots of quick connections in between.
Like the loaves and fishes, Jesus makes feasts out of our little offerings.
12. DEFENSIVENESS AND CYNICISM ARE NOT THE LANGUAGE OF LAMENT. SPEAK SIMPLY AND HONESTLY INSTEAD.
I can’t really share all the ways this proved true, but the lesson kept showing up in my life and bringing good gifts all summer long.
13. QUIET IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR (NOW MORE THAN EVER).
I spent much of August trying to recalibrate from our July vacation and it was a bit rough, to be honest. The world was on fire and our little family and community rode wave after wave of difficult circumstances. The month ended with us waiting for a phone call about a loved one’s medical prognosis while Hurricane Ida flooded our basement. Added to the bigger stuff, I’ve learned that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) actually hits me in summer rather than winter and my mood was not quite as sunny as the hot and humid forecast.
Thankfully, ever since our children have grown, each year in September we find a little place to hunker down for a week of prayer and ministry planning. There’s never been a year we needed it more.
The best locations include great views and bad wi-fi. We’ve learned that the first and second day of the retreat our minds shout at us to BE PRODUCTIVE while our bodies beg to NAP ALL DAY. Nothing feels peaceful about the first two days. So we take ourselves on scenic walks, and then pretend to read while actually dozing. On Day 3, though, like Jesus walking out of the tomb our souls seem to catch up with our bodies. We enter this liminal space of quiet attention. It’s still a discipline. Every couple of hours we rouse ourselves with scripted prayer. And we still take naps, but even the naps are more peaceful.
Practicing quiet might seem like a luxury. It’s true. Setting aside several days in a row, even in the humblest of places, is a privilege that in other seasons I haven’t been able to manage. But it’s worth fighting for even for an hour or two a week. Unplug, lie down, let your soul catch up with your body, and know the God who loves you.
Our little retreat cottage at one of our favorite places: LeTourneau Christian Center on Canandaigua Lake, NY.
14. GOD IS CONTINUALLY AT WORK MAKING ALL GOOD THINGS COME TRUE
We have many reasons to believe September will continue to bring joy and relief for some things we’ve been waiting for what seems like forever. During the long spells of waiting, I’m learning how to pray from my new young friends Elsie & Theodore. We’re celebrating a long-awaited answer to prayer with their family with Theodore’s words: “I’ve been praying for this for 100 days!" (actually it was many, many more days but after 100 who’s counting?!?). The other prayer he offered: “Thank you, God, for our [prayer request] coming true.”
Yes, God. Thank you for making all good things come true and for someday making all sad things untrue. Amen.
It took more than a year from the point of being hired for our new Associate Rector and his family to get to us from South Africa and more than three years from a chance visit to our church to meet again in person.
Just moments before taking our new friends Elsie & Theo (and their parents) on a walk through our neighborhood, we got a text with another piece of good news! The cancer diagnosis for our loved one had been successfully removed and no further treatment needed!
