Has the word ever held more meaning?
In mid-September Brian and I took a four-day retreat to study and pray - an intentional time set aside to breathe, if you will, between the end of summer and beginning of a new ministry season. We've learned the hard way that this transition between summer and fall is particularly tricky. This year, the need felt wonky. After six months of living this bizarre "together but apart-ness" with our community it felt a bit strange to have to add further isolation by getting away to another place.
The solitude of the little kitschy cottage on one of New York's glorious Finger Lakes felt simultaneously welcoming and oppressive. We walked around a lot, looking at the water, trying to settle into the study projects we'd each brought along. The waves were too choppy to spend prolonged time on the boat. The weather snapped from summer to fall within twelve hours of our arrival and we took to walking along the shore with giant fluffy blankets cocooning our heads.
Read More![Into Your Hands, I Commit My Spirit by Kimberly McHugh [Retrieve Lament 2020]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5700118059827e84008212d2/1586532541798-SBPKL0U7UVFS1DQPAOQX/Holy+Saturday.+Kim+McHugh1.jpg)
My grandson lived; he lived for 6 ½ years. We got to know him and love him deeply. I spent many hours leaning over a hospital bed, watching him, and praying for him. We exchanged goofy face pics and sweet voice messages from long distances. He called me Nana, and I can still hear his voice saying, Naa naaa’, in his slightly reproachful tone and grinning face, in response to something silly I did. I wear a shirt he loved because it has rhinestones and sequin embroidery and I can still feel his hands tracing the letters of “Istanbul” on my shirt. And then, quite suddenly Yahya died. I stood by my daughter’s side as she and her husband buried his ashes. …
Where is that peace that passes understanding, where are you, God? And I long for what ancients say can come after the wall: to know God’s sweetness and love, to have peace and rest, and a deep inner stillness. I am almost ready again to say, “Into your hands I commend my spirit”, and I believe when I do, I will pass through the wall to a sweeter knowledge of Him.
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